Mutiny at Opis
by delos13
Summary: Ever wondered how Alexander spent his time when his troops rebelled at Opis and he furiously shut himself off the world in his tent? Here is one of the 'possible' versions. Should I even bother with declaration of "never happened in reality"?


One day I received a notification from FFnet that some new reader followed my story "Present for Alexander". It was a nice surprise since the story is more than one year old and I never planned a follow up. In that story I made Zeus and Hera gift Alexander with GPS for his birthday. Remembering this story with a wicked smile on my face I wondered what other marvels of modern technology Alexander and his Army would enjoy and which of the social media tools would be their favorite? After I played with several options, I came to the conclusion that though all of them would be popular, one in particular will be an undisputed front runner. Though today is not Alexander's birthday, it is, however, of my dear friend too_beauty. So, using this event as an excuse, I temporary usurped Zeus' powers and gifted the whole Macedonian Army, their native land and all the countries they conquered with a certain marvelous modern day technology.

The only thing left to do was to choose an appropriate occasion when Alexander & Co could demonstrate to the modern world what they were capable of. As you can guess from the title of this story, the chosen occasion happened to be the mutiny at Opis. It is said that Alexander, fuming at veterans who didn't appreciate his grand gesture of sending them home with magnificent gifts, retired to his tent. Ever wondered how did he spend his free time there?

If the answer is yes, please read on and enjoy!

Oh, and: adult content, if you're underage, shoo from here.

X

Hephaistion decided it was time to ignore Alexander's explicit orders not to be disturbed by anybody, and check on king's wellbeing. He understood well Alexander's fury. First, his army refused to follow him further into India pleading tiredness and desire to go home. However, after their king did as they wished and afterwards lavishly entertained everybody at Susa and arranged to send veterans home with precious gifts, the same people rebelled again, this time for the completely opposite reason - of being sent home.

Retiring in anger to the tent and deciding not to talk to anybody wasn't a clever ruse, Alexander was truly pissed off. Hephaistion hoped that being alone for some time would provide a calming effect on the king but not being summoned for quite some time, as was king's habit in similar cases, was disturbing; so, acting in the best interests of the king, Hephaistion ventured inside the enormous tent. When the general reached the inner part of the huge structure, he found it completely abandoned, no servants, no pages, and the guards on duty were as immobile as the pillars that supported the enormous roof.

"Alexander!" shouted Hephaistion half expecting some heavy object being thrown at his head.

Silence.

"Alexander, where are you? It's me, Hephaistion," the general made another attempt at reaching the king but there was no response.

"Alexander, Alexander! I need to talk to you, it's important!"

Still, there was no answer.

"Alexander, where are you? Alexander, please!" pleaded Hephaistion navigating through the maze of furniture, hanging tapestries and cushions.

"Alexander!" the general shouted again and held still, keeping his ears open for any sound. The trick brought the desired effect because a few moment later Hephaistion discerned quiet sobs coming from somewhere to his right. The general rushed in the direction of the sound but first couldn't see anything.

Then, another sob. Hephaistion frowned; it wasn't feasible to imagine that disobedience of the army would produce such a devastating effect on his beloved as to make him cry. Was it possible that some stray girl or an adventurous boy entered the inner premises and, realizing too late at what great peril they put themselves, found a quiet corner to cry in fear?

"Alexander!" Hephaistion shouted again, moving along familiar path.

That sound again. Was it a cry or…. ?

Hephaistion moved in the direction of something that was shaking under the huge blanket on the floor.

"Alexander?"

"This is so funny!" giggled Alexander, his disheveled head appearing from the far corner of the blanket, "It doesn't matter how many times I watch it, it is always as hilarious as when I saw it for the first time," chortled Alexander, his eyes brimming with the tears of laugh.

"You've got me worried," admitted Hephaistion. "What do you have there?"

"Darius running from me at Gaugamela; come, we'll watch together again."

Hephaistion rolled his eyes but obediently plastered himself on the floor near Alexander.

"Move closer," suggested Alexander, "I won't bite."

"I won't mind."

"We can discuss it later," absentmindedly commented Alexander. "This is such fun! Look at his huge eyes opened in horror, and his hands are shaking."

"This is probably because his chariot hit an uneven ground," suggested Hephaistion. "Still, I don't understand why he would bother taking a selfie while running from you."

"He probably never experienced such speed!" suggested Alexander, "maybe he wanted to show it later to his remaining supporters claiming that he actually was attacking me."

"That would be stupid, everybody knew he run away," noted Hephaistion, "look, behind him, so many of his soldiers scattering in panic, he could never spin it as an attack. Anyway, I never asked, how did you get it? Did Darius actually send it to you?"

"Nah, Bessus stole Darius' possessions when he deposited him, then he sent it to me trying to gain favor. He even dared to ask me to like it! I gave thumb down instead."

"But you watch it all the time?"

"It's funny. This one funny too, remember?" Alexander scrolled through some pictures and gave his cell to Hephaistion.

"You still keep this one in your favorites?" asked Hephaistion watching king Philip threatening his son with slurred insults during the banquet.

"Of course! Thanks gods my father decided to take a selfie while cursing and threatening me. He was too busy trying to angle his face in favorable light instead of watching what was under his feet and crashed on the floor. I knew he would fall!"

"You knew?"

"Of course, I was waiting for it to happen and it gave me time to come up with that clever phrase, remember?"

"Sure! But I always wondered how much did you pay to get this picture?"

"I got it free from Leonnatos who as you know had a habit of hacking into my father's cell phone. He mostly did it for all the X-rated stuff; as you remember my farther liked to take selfies when he was f…ing somebody. Too bad somebody deleted most of my father's pictures right after his death and I was too busy at the time to find the culprit."

"I am sure you don't want future generations to know those details about your father personal life."

"I don't know…. Future generations may have opinion different from yours on the matter. That selfie at his wedding banquet only caused a bump on his head when he hit the marble floor, unfortunately, his other selfie cost him his life," Alexander put appropriately grave expression on his face. "I am sure the only reason why Pausanias managed to plunge a knife into my father's chest was because my father was too distracted at glorifying himself taking a selfie against the backdrop of the statues of twelve Olympians. I would never allow my vanity to get the better of me."

"Says the man who almost died from the wound in his lung while taking a selfie on the walls of that damned Malian city."

"It was a stray arrow! Most Malians who attacked me stopped as well using a chance to take a selfie with me at the background."

"Some excuse! You almost died!"

"But I didn't. Look, Hephaistion, I know you don't like taking selfies but it doesn't mean that others should stop doing it. It's the only thing we disagree upon. Better this than something else."

"Maybe; but how many people stupidly died in the process of doing it?"

"Don't be dramatic. Yes, my father died, but he was the only one."

"The only one? Did you forget Hector?"

"You think Hector was killed by Achilles under the walls of Troy because he was taking selfie instead of defending himself?"

"Don't be ridiculous! They didn't have this technology at the time. I meant Parmenion's son."

"It was a group selfie!"

"Exactly! A bunch of young idiots crowded on the raft in the middle of the Nile to take a selfie without realizing it was too small to sustain them all."

"Yes," Alexander suddenly sobered, "it was a sad accident. I really liked Hector."

"And I can list you many others."

"Like who?"

"Like Kleitos."

"We were both so drunk," sadly sighed Alexander.

"Obviously, Kleitos wasn't drunk enough to forget about the existence of selfies or he would be still alive."

"I swear I thought he was about to throw a knife at me! I mistook his cell for a knife. He always liked silver covers for his phones." Alexander fell silent for some time and then continued, "Why should you always remind me about the sad incidents? I wanted to distract myself with funny memories….There are a lot of group selfies that bring smile to my face but I only managed to convince you to join in once."

"And that one didn't end well either."

"It wasn't exactly my fault!"

"No? Whose fault was it?"

"Of Darius, the first one, I mean, and Xerxes too."

"Wait a moment, are you actually blaming the builders of Apadana palace in Persepolis for the fact that we burned it?"

"Well, it is an interesting point, I didn't think of that excuse before - if they hadn't built the palace, we wouldn't have burned it - but no, I meant something else."

"Like what? Admit it, Alexander, the only reason was, a bunch of drunk conquerors wanted to take a group selfie; we were so drunk we didn't realize the fire hazard! How was it Darius' and Xerxes' fault?"

"Simple. The palace they built was too dark! You may not remember, but we took several selfies, the first one was very dark, our faces were barely seen; so, I asked Leonnatos for tech advise but he was too drank! It was when Thais suggested adding some additional lightening. Those torches solved the problem and then, then… we continued to take selfies in the corridors and other halls and, and… I am not sure, I think we simply forgot to extinguish them. Stuff happens. Not that I encourage the destruction of cultural heritage of the conquered people…."

"No? What then do you encourage?"

"A healthy competition."

"Like the one that lead to Gedrosia disaster?"

"Gedrosia… incident has nothing to do with selfies, admit it!"

"Admit it?" Hephaistion snorted, "It has everything to do with selfies, and your strange ways to promote healthy competition."

"You are exaggerating!" Alexander tried to defend his stand.

"Am I? As I remember, it all started with Nearchos and Ptolemy arguing what background looked better in the selfies – ocean waves or sand dunes. And then Nearchos said sand dunes could never be as high as waves, and Ptolemy argued the opposite and you, in your infinite wisdom, decided to split the army and find out, so Nearchos took our fleet and went in the search of the highest waves and we went in the search of the highest sand dunes."

"Well, I still can't decide who ended up with better selfies. This is why we're doing a second round, one part of the army is going to conquer Arabia by land and Nearchos takes his fleet into the Ocean again. I hope I can make my decision afterwards and declare the winner. If only the veterans hadn't revolted again…."

"You can blame yourself for it, they simply want take part in that competition as well and take more selfies hoping to end up on the winner side and you're denying them this opportunity. That mania for selfies, it's destroying us. When it doesn't cause stupid deaths, it causes quarrels. Should I remind you that our first quarrel was because of that stupid selfies competition in Mieza?"

Alexander sighed, "It is true but you still didn't tell me how did you know that it was Leonnatos' dick?"

"Oh, by Hera's tits, Alexander!"

"What?" the king looked offended. "We were all around thirteen years old, of course we wanted to know whose dick was bigger. So, taking individual selfies of our penises and placing them anonymously on the website allowed us to judge without prejudice. Even Aristotle agreed it was a fair arrangement. The winner was obvious but I still can't find explanation how did you know it was Leonnatos' if you… well… didn't have a personal experience. And the fact that you still refuse to tell me…"

"After all those years you really want to know how I knew it was Leonnatos'?"

"Yes, especially, given the fact that his dick is really not that huge. I mean, we all see each other naked in the gymnasium and such, his dick….well, not small either, just normal. We still suspect he did something to it to make it so big, like maybe employed a bee sting or other… something. But how did you know?"

"Who are "we" exactly?"

"Well, Krateros and I discuss it sometimes. Though he came distant second, he was so sure he would be the winner."

"I see. Those are the things you discuss with Krateros in private."

"You're dodging my question again."

"Fine. It is almost twenty years since that stupid selfies dick competition and my brilliant Alexander can't figure out that his future Chief Computer Officer simply photo shopped his penis?"

"He did what?" Alexander's eyes opened involuntary at hearing this astonishing news.

"Oh, common, it is such an obvious answer. If you're telling me the truth and the matter is still discussed between you and your generals, the fact that nobody thought about this explanation makes me wonder about your collective brain power. "

"You shouldn't be so judgemental," sullenly mumbled Alexander. "Besides, how did you know that Leonnatos was going to do it? Did he tell you? Why would he tell you such a thing if you haven't been close, you know, intimately."

Hephaistion rolled his eyes, "Alexander, I told you on too many occasions, I never slept with Leonnatos or any other of your friends for that matter, and Leonnatos didn't tell me anything, I simply guessed."

"How could you have guessed?" suspiciously asked Alexander.

"Seriously? There is a reason why he is Chief of your computer security. You just told me moments ago how he constantly hacked into your father's cell phone looking for free porn. Did you forget how Aristotle suspended him when he found out that sudden high marks on Harpalos' tests were due to the fact that Leonnatos hacked into his system and then sold answers to all lazy and not so clever students of Mieza? So, just to finish with this stupid accusation that I slept with Leonnatos once and for all – I happened to come to his room to return some scrolls. It was a few days after Leonnatos' birthday and I saw him playing on computer with the latest photo shop program that Anteas, his father, send him as a gift. He took some pictures of the serving girls and then used the program for increasing their boobs electronically. He still prefers skinny girls with large boobs, remember?"

"Yes," Alexander sadly admitted and lowered his head, "I never could have imagined that the answer was so simple. I am so sorry! That quarrel almost cost me your love but I was so afraid that you preferred Leonnatos to me. I should have never said all those awful things to you but I was jealous and afraid. I am still afraid that you may leave me one day."

"Alexander, I am not going to leave you, don't be ridiculous. But enough about sad things, what else do you have in your collection?"

"You don't like selfies, why bother?"

"Because you like them. I am sure you have quite a collection. Do you have any funny ones to share?"

"May be," petulantly responded Alexander but started to flip throw his screen, "did you see this one?"

Hephaistion stared on the screen. On it, Eumenes was quietly recording for posterity how clever he was to hide all his treasures among the official scrolls when Alexander ordered to burn their stuff when they moved out of Hirkania. What the greedy secretary didn't realize was that while he turned his back to his tent, somebody brought a torch to it and the orange background that Eumenes took for glowing sunset was actually his tent burning brightly in the twilight.

"It was a stupid move, Alexander," Hephaistion shook his head, "all the royal diaries burned in that tent."

"Who needs boring written diaries when we have so many selfies to leave for posterity?"

Hephaistion rolled his eyes, "you are such a child!"

"I am not. Look, I'll show you something. See?"

Hephaistion looked at the screen. On it, an old man was monotonically dictating some nonsense to the scribe who obediently laboured taking the notes. The geezer strategically moved around, obviously wanting to display what was intended to give an impression of magnificent city landscape but was only a cheap fake scenery painted by some underpaid apprentice.

"Do you recognize the lecturer?" asked Alexander with a giggle, his good mood returning in anticipation of Hephaistion's reaction.

"Should I?"

"Look closer."

"Hmm, I don't know."

"It's Ptolemy!"

"Our Ptolemy?"

"Yes, don't you see? He worked with the best make-up artist from the Royal Harem."

"Usually people want to look younger…."

"Ptolemy is really fixated on his idea to retire in Egypt. He asked me so many times to appoint him a governor there. I said, maybe, in future. So, he tried to persuade me, promised to make Alexandria the capital of his province, turn it into the centre of learning and personally lecture the future generations about our glorious conquests. He created this selfie, called it "a glimpse into the future", said he started to record selfies to incorporate them into his lectures when he retires."

"Self-glorifying bastard. Are you sure he wants you in that future?"

"Don't be absurd, he likes me like a brother and respects me as his king. Ptolemy will never revolt against me."

"There are more radical measures than uncertainty of revolt."

"Not Ptolemy!"

"If you say so. Anyway, what did you decide to do with veterans? They are nervous."

"Are they taking any incriminating selfies?"

"Alexander!"

"Just joking," smiled Alexander. "Let them tremble in fear for their future a little longer. In the meantime….. Do you have any funny selfies to share?"

"Alexander, you know very well I don't take selfies."

"I know, I know, but I am sure other people send you their selfies all the time. Take Theseus, that new page of yours. He is sooooo in love with you."

"How do you know?"

"He sent his naked and very provocative picture of himself to me by mistake. I am sure it was intended for you. Interested to see?"

"No. I receive enough garbage from Bagoas."

"Bagoas sends you his naked pictures?"

"All the time. Stupid creature thinks he makes me jealous."

"Can I see some?"

"Seriously? You don't see enough in real life?"

"Even I can't f..k and watch at the same time. So?"

"Do you really think I keep those selfies? I set up a rule a long time ago to send all the incoming messages from Bagoas to trash folder automatically."

"Can I have your cellphone?"

"Why?"

"How often your trash folder is emptied?"

"Do you think I really care?"

"Hmmm. I have a set up for three days. Leonnatos says it saves a lot of memory space."

"Is our treasury so low that the Great Alexander can't afford a few additional gigs of memory?"

"I am frugal. Oh, look, here is one," Alexander moved the screen closer to Hephaistion. There was Bagoas, lying of some flat surface, his head supported by opened palms of his hands, the rivulets of sweet running down his face that exhibited the expression of the utmost bore.

"Why he is moving in such strange manner?"

"Seriously, Alexander? Should I spell it for you? He is being f…d!"

"F…d? By whom? And where I was at the time?"

"Probably behind."

"Behind? You mean…. It was I doing him?"

"I wasn't aware that his ass was available to anybody else."

"But….."

"What?"

"Why I am not in this selfie?"

"How should I know? Ask him."

"Hephaistion….."

"Yes?"

"Look at his face."

"What about it?"

"He looks bored."

"How is it my problem?"

"I didn't say it was your problem but… are you also bored when we make love?"

"There is a difference between making love and mindlessly f….ing."

"So, you are not bored when we make love?"

"In all honestly, last time we made love was so long time ago that I don't remember."

"That's not true! And last time it was you who was busy!"

"Yes, talking to Krateros because you asked me to!"

"Well, he is leaving soon, I wanted you to part as friends. Did you take any selfies?"

"No. The only occasion I may be inclined to take selfie that includes Krateros is his funeral."

"I don't know why you hate him so much. Anyway, how about selfie with me?"

"Alexander, I told you many years ago, I am not taking selfies. Not of myself, not with anybody, and that includes you."

"Hm….." Alexander suddenly raised his hand and traced Hephaistion's lips, "always so stubborn. I like it about you, the stubbornness, the firmness of character, and of …. certain part of your body…."

"Hmm," Hephaistion raised his right eyebrow and look at Alexander with interest. "I wondered when you'd realize that it is far more interesting use of our time," in one swift movement the general crashed his lips into Alexander's and pinned him on the floor under himself. Snatching Alexander's cell from his fingers, he slid it far away from their spot on the floor and, continuing with a kiss, run his hands along Alexander's body swiftly divesting the kings from his clothes.

"Aren't you getting undressed?" panted Alexander when Hephaistion ended the kiss and started to employ his lips on the other parts of King's now almost naked body.

"Not yet," mumbled Hephaistion.

"I need to touch….your body…I like the feel of your skin….Hephaistion, what are you doing? Aren't you going to prepare me first?" wheezed the king when his lover got his skillful fingers between Alexander's bottom cheeks.

"We are not making love yet," murmured Hephaistion continuing to explore his lover's body with his lips and hands.

"What's then… are you doing?" gasped Alexander when Hephaistion abandoned his buttocks and started to play with his balls.

"Thoroughly searching all your cavities and other hidden places."

"For what?" panted Alexander.

"For a hidden cell phone, want to make sure you're not taking any selfies," Hephaistion panted back.


End file.
